


After All

by NotEvenThat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Blood, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Dreams and Nightmares, Episode: s02e05 Dust and Shadows, Gen, Guilt, Self-Reflection, The Circle, The Circle Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:27:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Jocelyn had a lot of regrets and plenty of time to ponder them all before it was over.





	After All

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [sh_ficletinstruments](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/sh_ficletinstruments) collection. 

> **Prompt:**
> 
> "I regret nothing."

Jocelyn had dreams nearly every night but she hadn’t always had them. She remembered when she was younger feeling jealous every time Valentine told her about his dreams; so bright and vivid that she felt like she could see them beyond her own eyes. He’d wake and tell her about them as if they’d really happened and every time, Jocelyn had wondered why she’d been cursed with soundful sleep. 

Jocelyn had never dreamed before Valentine. She’d had over two decades of dreamless sleep but after she’d left him, that had changed. Now, Jocelyn was plagued by sleep. She closed her eyes and no matter what mundane concoction she tried, no matter what amount of meditation and mindfulness she attempted, her mind dragged her back to things that were long over. At night, it was always the same. 

Sometimes, they weren’t even bad dreams. Sometimes, she’d close her eyes and suddenly, she was fifteen again and she was seeing Valentine for the first time with his sunlit face and his dazzling smile. 

Other times though, she was older and those were the nights that Jocelyn woke with the bed beneath her soaked through with sweat and her lungs screaming for a breath she hadn’t meant to hold in. Sometimes, she was just watching. She’d stand in the same place watching the whole dream like she’d been nailed there. She’d feel the blood at her feet. She’d feel tears stinging her eyes but they never fell, not until she woke up at least.

The worst dreams were the ones where she could move. They were the ones where she was in control the whole time. She wasn’t a bystander. She wasn’t a kid. She was the instigator. She was the one spilling blood onto the ground and when she felt it at her feet, there was no one she could blame besides herself. 

There was a power in being surrounded by other people. Even the best person surrounded by the worst can come to do terrible things. The worst thing about Jocelyn’s dreams was that sometimes Valentine wasn’t even there. Sometimes, no one was. Sometimes, it was just her alone with the choices she’d made. 

The worst part about her dreams was that they weren’t dreams at all. They were memories and when she woke up with bile rising in her throat, she wished that God would give her a way to repay for it all. She always imagined she’d make up for it somehow. She’d always imagined she’d do better.

There was a time when Jocelyn had regret nothing but as she laid there against the wall of the Institute, she had more than a lifetime of regrets. She closed her eyes and she hoped that this time there wouldn’t be anything waiting for her on the other side. She hoped there wouldn’t be any memories. She hoped there would just be peace or nothing. 

She’d take either at this point, even if she knew she didn’t deserve it.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote 'I regret nothing and everything' came to mind.


End file.
